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Princess Paradox
28 March 2015 @ 03:05 pm
Reading this again on May 1st...for many reasons the dilemma has been resolved. I admit that I care about people, I want to help people, I don't want to hurt people even indirectly, not even by "passive evil." I believe in the potential for good inherent in EVERY person, and I encourage myself to live up to that potential, and I invite everyone to live up to their potential. I really honestly believe that we can all kick the ass of global warming, and terrorism, and racism, and bigotry, and moral decadence, and the decline of standards in (some) educational systems, and the way that we talkandtalkandtalk about the wrong things, and yet DON'T SAY A DAMNED FREAKING WORD ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS THAT MUST BE SPOKEN ABOUT! ...I really believe we as human beings who ultimately just want to be happy, AND see happiness around us, in the people we know and love, AND in people we've never met, can continue working towards certain goals and "keep calm and carry on" until we achieve those goals! ...I believe that we have the ability and courage and intelligence needed in order to make certain things fucking (finally) happen.
peace out.

So last summer I cut a few paragraphs from my user info biography. I'm probably being paranoid but it occurred to me that an employer might google me, and as I was maybe/probably going to be looking for a job at that time, and am now certainly going to be looking for a job, I don't want someone to like me in an interview and then think I'm a freak after reading my LJ bio. I mean...I am a freak and proud of it, but people who are decidedly normal tend to be put off by oddness, unfortunately. ...I'm also adding a lot here today, things that have been on my mind for years but that I've never written about before.

I don't like to conceal things from people, not because I desire to be understood but because if anyone has issues with who I am, then I don't want to waste time on them. That sounds harsh. I suppose it is harsh. But there you have it.
So here's the unabridged version of my bio:

I suppose I'm a Goth. I say "suppose" because there's something odd about categorizing myself, but I do love Gothic style, music, and literature.

Sometimes I care about the fate of humanity, I feel I'd like to somehow contribute to saving civilization. It's a bit silly, but Buffy makes me want to be a "good" person, so does The Doctor, so does Merlin. They are selfless, self-sacrificing, ass-kicking superheroes, and sometimes I'd like to be that type of person. ...But when I think of myself as an activist or something, it seems oddly impossible. I could be that way if I wanted to, but sometimes I feel that it would be a betrayal of my true self. That's the best way I have of explaining it: I am naturally selfish, somewhat antinomian, detached/removed. I definitely notice what's going on around me in the world and some of it makes me sick and sometimes makes me want to try to change it, but more often it makes me simply look away. Call it "burying your head in the sand" if you want to, but it's a choice. What I mean is, it seems to me that many people these days pay no attention to social and environmental issues out of laziness or habit. They produce&consume, they have typically Western mentalities and it wouldn't occur to them to question that, they make money and they spend money, and whether or not the product they bought was made in a sweatshop assembly-line by an underpaid, underfed, oppressed person in a developing nation is absolutely irrelevant to them. They are good Capitalists. They shop at Wallmart, they buy absurd things they don't need, they buy their children dozens upon dozens of plastic toys when the child would probably be satisfied with 2 or 3, if it had ever been exposed to a simpler lifestyle, they go on vacation several times a year to impoverished countries that also have resorts for the rich to stay at, they go to the beach and suntan and nevermind the ozone layer, they go on fucking Disney cruises. I am starting to sound self-righteous. Am I being hypocritical?? That's the last thing I want to do. Is it unfair of me to judge others for ignoring certain issues and not giving a damn about one's fellow man, when I essentially do the same, but for different reasons?? Blimey, I suppose it is hypocritical. Or at the very least it's rather inconsistent. Hmmmmm.... The oddest part of this is that I feel kind of stuck between two opposing moralities: either I continue being mostly selfish and continue paying practically no attention to world politics and current social problems, or I start really looking around at the world, learning about global politics and economics, read the paper, make certain choices based on care for the environment, such as to not use certain products, to reuse more, and so on, start making certain choices based on consideration for my fellow man like to boycott certain stores which get their (cheap) products from sweatshops, to learn about multi-nationals and try to avoid supporting them as much as is possible, that kind of thing. When I say to my mother or sister or someone, "This tshirt says made in Bangladesh on it, probably the person who sewed it was payed 10 cents per hour or something appaling like that," the lazy argument I get in reply is something like "oh well, it's still a job for them, it's still income." I do realize that kind of situation is complex and there doesn't seem to be a simple solution, but that argument has been around for hundreds of years and it's just lame. It's not really a reason, it's an excuse. Well...as I write this I'm aware that I seem to very much care about these things. Makes me think I should put away my Gothic clothing and my Gothic way of looking at the world and existence, and make some radical changes. However--any time something makes me think that, an opposing thought also occurs to me. For example, on lots of different occasions, a remark someone has made, a line in a movie, a wise observation in a novel, etc. has made me react, has made me feel like "that's it, I'm going to change." But then I think, "of course, on the other hand, while there are reasons to give a damn about the fate of mankind and the world, there are also reasons to not give a damn. And that latter attitude is the one that is much more natural to me, that so far has ultimately prevailed. The thing is, I am very much engaged with life around me, I see it and I react to it. And yet, it is so natural for me to also not see it. I suppose it's difficult to explain, but what I mean is that I naturally and with very little effort, disengage. I perceive the world as full of wonderful things and horrible things, and as something I really want to look at and understand and participate in. Simultaneously, I perceive it as simply a planet that happens to exist, a race of humans that somehow has survived up to this point without annihilating itself, and whether or not the good outweighs the bad, whether or not the beauty makes the horror worth enduring, it is ultimately a place that just happens to be what it is. I'm fascinated by history, I love to read about it, and yet I see it as merely a record of a strange race of humans who have done amazing, wonderful things, and horrifying, cruel things, and whether that race is evolving or devolving at the moment is not at all relevant. ...I have lately wished that I could think of a way to experience a balance between these two extreme opposite attitudes to life. But I don't see how. It very much seems like an "all or nothing" situation: either I fully embrace my Goth-y, antinomian, self-focused tendencies and resolve once and for all to choose to ignore the ugly problems of the world, and think abstractly and philosophically, and imagine and create stories that have absolutely nothing to do with current social issues, OR I make radical changes, embrace the part of me that cares about humanity and believes it has potential to improve, be active in trying to help the human race survive and not destroy the freaking planet, make choices that contribute to the well-being of others, and so on. One or the other. Not both. How could it be both?? ...I feel much more of a pull to the first, the self-centered, contemplative philosopher, who thinks rather than takes action, the reclusive creator who writes about history--the issues of which are so remote as to feel almost like fiction, the ugliness of which can be dismissed or metamorphosed into something strangely beautiful, through the use of stylistic effects in fiction. That is the kind of life that appeals to me the most, the way of living and being which feels most genuine to me. Yet I hesitate to fully commit to it. I am just too much of a Hamlet type. ...Is there a way of living in the grey? Is there a way of life that's somehow between the black and the white, that somehow is balanced?? I wonder, and I very much doubt it.

...I'm an odd combination of social and unsocial. I like LJ communities & my friends page, I enjoy going out to a club or going to a coffee house and chatting but....I also spend a lot of time alone and am usually quite content to be on my own. I love my friends but...I often feel that there are certain things I don't want to share with people. There are certain topics that I don't want to discuss with people. Especially if it's something that means a lot to me. The idea of discussing Oscar Wilde with anyone, for example, is rather strange. But I guess it depends. On the situation, on the other person/people, on what kind of a mood I'm in. Still, generally I'm reserved.
"What I've got is mine. ...Nothing to spare." --Thelma, Hex

I have bipolar disorder. also called manic depression. I was diagnosed ages ago, I've been living with it for a long time. It has been an affliction but surviving it has turned me into a strong person. It's a part of my life but it's not who I am.
...In the past few years I've come to question drug-therapy. That is literally a long story, but believe me when I say that I have many valid reasons for being sceptical of the efficacy of psychiatric medications. I also have issues with some of the toxic psychiatric drugs that are allowed to be prescribed to people, and genuinely ruin their physical and/or mental health. I am not exaggerating, shit like this is really happening. Also I have problems accepting that many, if not all, psychiatric medications come with a lovely set of side effects. I know that can't he helped, the people who make these drugs don't try to make them harmful as well as helpful, but it still bothers me. Every psych. drug I take (and I take a few) has possible long-term side effects that are truly horrifying. And just because it's long-term, and just because it's possible, not guaranteed, does not mean that it doesn't matter. You try reading the pamphlet from the pharmacy outlining all the shit these drugs can do to you, and try taking even one of these pills, for even one day, and then get back to me and tell me I'm over-reacting. I dare you. ...I saw a Naturopathic doctor a few years ago; he had an alternate way of treating my disorder that did not involve drugs. I started the treatment, which involved taking certain vitamins and combinations of vitamins & minerals, eating certain foods and abstaining from other types of foods, fundamentally it was based on the theory that body affects mind, and a healthy body contributes to a healthy brain, but I didn't continue for very long because I was anxious at the time and basically didn't know which method of treatment to place my trust in. The doctor was great,though, and the most remarkable thing about the experience was that, in the first consultation I had with him, he gave me a lot of information about his style of treatment, the reasons for his choosing that way of treating the brain, the science of it!! Only ONE doctor, in the fifteen years that I've been seeing psychiatrists and psychologists has even offered to explain these things to me. No one else treated me with such respect, no one else treated me like an intelligent human being rather than a patient who couldn't possibly grasp the science of the treatment.
I went back to conventional drugs because I was afraid of trying something different. Even though those conventional drugs have let me down or fucked me up on a number of different occasions, I stayed with them. I think at the time I made that choice based on the "better the devil you know" idea. But still, the possibility of treating my disorder (or whatever the hell one can call it) by unconventional methods has occurred to me a number of times over the years, since I saw that Naturopathic doctor. It almost haunts me, makes me wonder if I'm not doing the best for myself. Last year I tried to get in contact with that doctor again, I really wanted to make an appointment and just talk about all this with him. Unfortunately he had to close his practice, because Naturopathic doctors are not recognized/accepted by the Canadian government as proper practitioners of medicine, so they aren't a part of our healthcare system the way other doctors are. That is to say, unlike other doctors, when a patient comes to see them they have to bill them for it, they can't put in a claim to the government to be reimbursed, as it were. So it's really difficult for Naturopathic doctors to maintain a private practice and pay their rent and such. I think I payed $150 or $200 for the first hour-long session I had with Doctor Harris-Jans, and I believe he would have charged people less if he had been able to. He was a very kind, considerate person, and I wish I hadn't been too anxious and confused at the time to pursue my treatment with him. Uuuhh just thinking about this is making me tired. But one should do anything to maintain one's health--I understand that in a way that many people don't. And what am I complaining about?--all I have to do is a bit of research, look up other Naturopathic doctors in this city, try to find some patient reviews online. And take a chance. I think that's the hard part. Taking a chance with the treatment and the doctor. Although I would trust Doctor Harris-Jans at this point, because of having gotten to know him a bit and because he shared information with me, I will probably have some difficulty trusting a new doctor. I've realized that I have a deep, and bitter mistrust of doctors in general, because of past experiences. I know everyone can make mistakes, but some of the mistakes certain doctors have made with my drugs and treatment have been incredibly stupid and have seriously fucked up my life. Unfortunately in the past I didn't know any better, I didn't know how to question them and I suppose I trusted them implicitly, simply because they were medical practitioners. ...I think I should stop talking/writing about this now, otherwise I will start dwelling on the past and get into a bitter, resentful mood.
My point in sharing all this is simply to let people know that this is where I am on my journey with maintaining my sanity.
...As for what anyone reading this might be thinking about me, or mental illness in general, this kind of sums it up:
DWIGHT: Depression?? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling "bummed out?"
MICHAEL: Dwight you ignorant slut!
(The Office Safety Training -- B.J. Novak)
Over the years I've encountered a few ignorant sluts and I wish I'd called them that. If anyone who might happen to be reading this is thinking "psycho," or has ever said that about someone, or actually said it directly to them rather than behind their back, you are an ignorant slut. Seriously. Fuck off.

Something else about me that's odd/unusual:
I'm asexual/bi-romantic.
Don't tell me it's not real. Don't tell me it's just a phase.
And in case you were wondering: No I was never abused. No I am not a virign. No I was never raped.
I don't like to say these things so bluntly, but those are the basic facts.

And now to the subject heading of this entry:
It comes from a certain part of a certain poem by Alexander Pope. I've never read him, although I've heard of him. I know this stanza because it was in the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which I wrote an essay about for my film class last year.

"How happy is the blameless vessel's lot
the world forgetting by the world forgot,
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,
each prayer granted, each wish resigned"

I expect the world will forget me, and I don't mind at all. (I'm only somewhat ambitious and not a genius so why would the world remember me?) The question is (as I've said above) do I want to forget the world??

If anyone wants to share their perspective that's cool, I wouldn't mind hearing what people think, especially regarding the moral dilemma.

And that's all she wrote, as they say. ...For now, that is.
Current Location: my new apartment--hurrah!
mood: indescribableindescribable
music: Chopin--Nocturnes
Princess Paradox
Noel Fielding is such a doll. His hair is so great, I think I'm kind of envious! lol@myself! and I have a weakness for blue eyes.

I SO wish they'd do a Boosh movie!! aaahhh that would be so brilliant! :D
mood: flirtyflirty
music: Bryan Ferry-these foolish things
Princess Paradox
15 June 2015 @ 03:48 am
Original, eccentric, charming, intelligent, and I MUST SAY--I lovelovelove those dimples :) ;) :) ;)

He has a very special way with words, he has a distinctive manner, hard to define but...well, impossible to define for me I guess!
I love all of this show, but especially what he said about the decadence of language, modern art, dinner parties, & celebrity magazine-readers! ...and the bit with the cake-eating was great! ...and when he quotes his granny! oh lord how wonderful she must've been! :)

mood: gigglygiggly
Princess Paradox
This is such a great group of comedians/actors.
Also I LOVE the way Jimmy Carr laughs!! "hahahahahahaha-HA-HAAAAH!!!"
:) :) :)

Only thing I DIDN'T like--Who was the number one Doctor Who villain?
The Daleks, apparently.
My answer: STEVEN MOFFATT! for ruining the fucking show! Someone exterminate that twat for godssake! I mean,that's a horrible thing to say, but for the love of god,get a new head writer!!

...leaving this entry public. not sure why.
Princess Paradox
I've been going through some twisted emotional shit, "issues" I guess you could call them. And it's gotten bad to the point that I'm not able to attend a vigil service tonight, nor to attend the funeral tomorrow, for my uncle. Well. I could feel sorry for myself but I've tried that before and it doesn't help. I could feel guilty to everyone in my family for having a mini nervous breakdown at the worst possible time, and I'm still struggling to not feel guilty but I've almost kicked the ass of that one...Lost my train of thought but my point is this: I know that even in my emotionally and physically weakened state, I am able to make a choice, I am able to try to begin to forgive the person who's ultimately responsible for the hellish paranoia attack that I experienced last night, which has made it impossible for me to be among family at a time when that would have been just what I needed, and would have been absolutely beautiful.
...Russell Brand wrote a kick-ass book called REVOLUTION, in it he included a certain prayer; I'm leaving this journal entry "public" so that anyone can see the St. Francis prayer which I'm going to type here, and maybe be inspired by its spirit of forgiveness and courage and LOVE.
The book reminded me of the prayer, I'd heard it bunches of times in church, but hadn't thought of it in ages. Happened to come across it at just the right moment, and now I'll be at those vigil prayers in spirit if not in body, because I asked my mother if she might include this prayer at some point in the service, she loved the idea, and so I can feel that I didn't miss it in a sense, and that I was able to say to my uncle "goodbye and thank you for being a good person," through this beautiful and amazing prayer:

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace;
That where there is hatred, I may bring love;
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
That where there is error, I may bring truth;
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
That where there is despair, I may bring hope;
That where there are shadows, I may bring light;
That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;
To understand, than to be understood;
To love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.

St. Francis of Assisi first said/wrote that, I believe. I could be wrong, but if so, I'm fairly sure that the actual author will forgive me. :) haha :)
mood: thankfulthankful
music: Bob Marley--three little birds
Princess Paradox
02 April 2015 @ 08:53 pm
So I came across a chalkboard while I was shopping for antiques and it occurred to me that it would be fun to put up on my wall and write quotes and such on.
I'm going to make these chalkboard quotes posts viewable to anyone, cause it's too amusing to conceal.

Here's the first quote that came to me, perhaps it occurred to me because Easter is in a few days. So it's apt lol:

 photo photo-1_zpspycy6ute.jpg

...Anyone who's seen the show Hex understands, but for anyone else I'd rather let you wonder what the hell that means than explain it. It's more fun that way.
mood: amusedamused
music: The Smiths-This Charming Man
Princess Paradox
06 February 2009 @ 07:33 pm
( There's probably one out of a million chances that you ever look at my journal...I don't know if you ever remember me. But if you happen to see this, I'm sure you must know I'm referring to you. Anyway even if it's not likely that you'll read this...well I guess whatever. It's worth it anyway.)

Last night I was getting ready to go to bed and I was looking around in my ipod-I wanted something nice and soothing to put me to sleep. I downloaded Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness a while ago. I used to love that album,I listened to it a lot when I was in high school. But somehow I lost both the cds and I haven't listened to it since then. So I'd forgotten most of the songs. When I saw the title Farewell and Goodnight I didn't remember the music at all but I thought--oh that's just what I wanted. And when I listened to it, the song was so lovely and it made me think of you. I wondered how you are, if you're happy. ...I think what I want to say is simple. I wish we could talk again sometimes, that's all. In this show I love called Hex, one of the characters asks a girl if she wants to go for a drink and she looks at him like she's thinking-what the hell? and says "Why??" And he says "I thought we had a laugh the other day." That's basically what I'm saying. I know it was ages ago but I thought we had a laugh. I liked talking with you. We don't have everything in common but we have some in common. Regardless, I think we had a connection. Things were strange at the end. But I don't really care about that. I still think I knew you, even if only somewhat. And I would like to know you again. So if you read this, add me to msn. Or if you have a journal, add me and I'll add you back. Did that sound demanding?? I didn't mean it that way ofcourse. It would be nice to talk to you sometimes that's all.

But if you don't fancy reconnecting I understand. So if that's the case I'll just say Farewell and Goodbye.
music: Smashing Pumpkins-Farewell and Goodnight
Princess Paradox
18 September 2008 @ 06:49 pm

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kiss me if you'd like to be added to my friends page.
music: Cabaret-Mein Herr